June 1, 2012: Premier Kathy
Dunderdale announced, today, the appointment of a new Auditor General for the
Province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
ACT I: The
Fairy Tale A-G
Fairy Tale A-G
Eight months later…..
(The Auditor General,
preening in front of the mirror, is getting ready for his first Press Conference).
preening in front of the mirror, is getting ready for his first Press Conference).
A-G: Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who
is the most courageous one of all?
You,
my dear A-G, you are the most courageous one of all;
Holeass: But, there are so many others even more
courageous!
A-G: You are
just trying to get my goat aren’t you, Holeass? Of course, I am the most
courageous!
A-G: You are
just trying to get my goat aren’t you, Holeass? Of course, I am the most
courageous! I know I
am.
am.
My,
my! How could it be otherwise? And, I am smart and handsome.
my! How could it be otherwise? And, I am smart and handsome.
(As he applies his special cream, ‘Oil of Hibernia’.) Those blasted Tories. How could they
have spent all that money and
got us all into such a financial mess? I wonder? I must
warn the peoples!
have spent all that money and
got us all into such a financial mess? I wonder? I must
warn the peoples!
of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador. My very first Report is due out
this very day: I shall
this very day: I shall
stand in front of
the media and warn them of all the bad things the Government is doing.
the media and warn them of all the bad things the Government is doing.
They will tell the peoples, I just know they
will…..
will…..
are you so silent? Holeass. Do you not believe
me?
feel soooo good, I haven’t felt this good in years! Oh My! All that time wasted,
advice to
Kennedy and Marshall. They did not deserve one so courageous. Isn’t
it wonderful being
the A-G!
(The A-G is now aware of Holeass’
presence.)
Holeass, you give me such support. It’s
nice to feel so comfy and cozy…do sit
here, Holeass; did you say, let’s do some
Shakespeare? My, my, how I love
Shakespeare.
Most little senior public
servants don’t do Shakespeare, you know.
It’s a tragedy, really…all
they want to talk about is money, money,
money! You know, the politicians, too. Filthy
stuff, if they were lucky, like
me, they could be having so much fun! Oh, Holeass, please,
let’s do Shakespeare
later….I want to sing, now. I have sooo
much to sing about. I’m so
happy, I’m
giddy!
Holeass, sing with me.
The A-G and Holeass now join
together and dance and sing:
together and dance and sing:
I
am the A-G
I
am the A-G
am the A-G
Hi,
ho, a-derr-i-o
ho, a-derr-i-o
I
am the A-G.
am the A-G.
Holeass, this is so much fun. Let’s try
another verse, shall we?
My
tenure is ten years
tenure is ten years
My
tenure is ten years
tenure is ten years
Hi,
Ho a-derr-i-o
Ho a-derr-i-o
My
tenure is ten years.
tenure is ten years.
Holeass,
you are not nearly the tenor, today, that you normally are; are you tired from
all this celebration? You must expel the
sounds more vigorously, I just know you can do it! Let’s do one more verse and please, do give
it you’re all. It’s not every day one
gets another chance to make a new first impression, is it? Let’s try this one:
you are not nearly the tenor, today, that you normally are; are you tired from
all this celebration? You must expel the
sounds more vigorously, I just know you can do it! Let’s do one more verse and please, do give
it you’re all. It’s not every day one
gets another chance to make a new first impression, is it? Let’s try this one:
They
can’t fire me now
They
can’t fire me now
can’t fire me now
Hi,
Ho a-deer-i-o
Ho a-deer-i-o
They
can’t fire me now!
can’t fire me now!
That
was so wonderful, Holeass. That’s enough
fun for now. I have to get ready for my
Press Conference. Afterall, I’m giving my
very first A-G’s Report. I am so excited. I must
look my best. And, please do attend the Press Briefing. Oh, yes, do try and think of some
nice
Shakespearean thingies to say. We must
impress the little Reporters. I may even
attempt something myself.
was so wonderful, Holeass. That’s enough
fun for now. I have to get ready for my
Press Conference. Afterall, I’m giving my
very first A-G’s Report. I am so excited. I must
look my best. And, please do attend the Press Briefing. Oh, yes, do try and think of some
nice
Shakespearean thingies to say. We must
impress the little Reporters. I may even
attempt something myself.
ACT
II: In Which A Tragedy is Revealed
The Press Conference is
about to begin:
about to begin:
Press
Gallery Head: All rise for the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
Gallery Head: All rise for the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
(The Auditor General enters. All stand.
Silence erupts).
Silence erupts).
Press
Gallery Head: Ladies and Gentlemen, let
me introduce to you the Auditor General of the Province of Newfoundland and
Labrador.
Gallery Head: Ladies and Gentlemen, let
me introduce to you the Auditor General of the Province of Newfoundland and
Labrador.
(Looking very solemn, the A-G
addresses members of the media).
addresses members of the media).
Friends,
Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I
come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The
evil that men do lives after them;
The
good is oft interred with their bones;
So
let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath
told you Caesar was ambitious…
(The A-G sits down, looking
pleased)
pleased)
A-G:
Yes, yes, my friends of the
media, that was a little Shakespeare I selected just for this
most noble of
occasions; yes, you are quite right, I did hear a couple of you note that it
was a little of Anthony’s Eulogy to Julius Caesar. My, my, you are all fine, clever
Reporters. I thought I might wax a little more poetic
than some of my forebears; bring,
perhaps, as I might, a little more dignity to
the Office. I am, you know, the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. I have tenure.
Let me tell you, my Reporter friends, I plan to be courageous;
I will tell the peoples
everything thing that is going on in the government, I
will expose every little tidbit of
falsehood and arrant expenditure; I am, after
all the Auditor General of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador. I have ‘de
tenure, you know’, as Jean Chretien would say.
Yes, yes, my friends of the
media, that was a little Shakespeare I selected just for this
most noble of
occasions; yes, you are quite right, I did hear a couple of you note that it
was a little of Anthony’s Eulogy to Julius Caesar. My, my, you are all fine, clever
Reporters. I thought I might wax a little more poetic
than some of my forebears; bring,
perhaps, as I might, a little more dignity to
the Office. I am, you know, the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. I have tenure.
Let me tell you, my Reporter friends, I plan to be courageous;
I will tell the peoples
everything thing that is going on in the government, I
will expose every little tidbit of
falsehood and arrant expenditure; I am, after
all the Auditor General of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador. I have ‘de
tenure, you know’, as Jean Chretien would say.
Now, my friends, to the issue. These expenditures of the Government cannot go
on. They
are simply not sustainable.
on. They
are simply not sustainable.
Holeass: (Voice from somewhere.) And, Brutus was an
honourable man.
honourable man.
A-G:
Holeass, you are not a member of
the media, you must be careful what you say to these
Reporter people. I am so
sorry, my friends. So much wind is my Holeass.
Holeass, you are not a member of
the media, you must be careful what you say to these
Reporter people. I am so
sorry, my friends. So much wind is my Holeass.
(Continuing
now.) Ladies and
Gentlemen, you know our per capita spending is 50 per
cent higher than even the
Canadian average. It is a tragedy, I
say, a tragedy of Greek
proportion. The Government has increased expenditures
by 66 percent in just ten years!
How
could they possibly have done that? It offends me so much, yes, yes, my convenient…
er…I
mean my considerable sense of fiscal prudence! I ask, again, my friends: Why didn’t
someone notice? Why wasn’t someone on guard? Pray, I beseech you, I do not
understand.
Holeass: (Interrupting the A-G’s Speech) Not
that I loved Newfoundland and Labrador less,
but that I loved myself more.
that I loved Newfoundland and Labrador less,
but that I loved myself more.
A-G: Holeass,
knock it off! This is my big day. We can do the tragedy stuff, later. Right now, the
peoples are only in danger,
the tragedy…it is still…er…unfolding. I
know. For, I am the
Auditor General of
the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. And, I have tenure.
knock it off! This is my big day. We can do the tragedy stuff, later. Right now, the
peoples are only in danger,
the tragedy…it is still…er…unfolding. I
know. For, I am the
Auditor General of
the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. And, I have tenure.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, the Government has oil on
the brain, it has become
the facial cream of choice. Some call it ‘Oil of Hibernia’. Yes, some think that they have
even put it in
the wine. I tell you, it has to
stop. I am the Auditor General of the
Province
of Newfoundland and Labrador. I
know. For I have tenure.
the brain, it has become
the facial cream of choice. Some call it ‘Oil of Hibernia’. Yes, some think that they have
even put it in
the wine. I tell you, it has to
stop. I am the Auditor General of the
Province
of Newfoundland and Labrador. I
know. For I have tenure.
III: In Which A Second Tragedy is Revealed
(Now, in an audible voice,
the A-G asks if there any questions)
the A-G asks if there any questions)
A-G: (Holeass raises
his hand.) Holeass, you are not a member
of the media, for
godsake…
his hand.) Holeass, you are not a member
of the media, for
godsake…
Some It’s OK, your honour, Mr. Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and
Reporter: Labrador, we don’t mind if Holeass
has a question or two because we never have many
of those.
General of the Province of Newfoundland and
Reporter: Labrador, we don’t mind if Holeass
has a question or two because we never have many
of those.
A-G: Then,
go ahead, Holeass. What do you want to ask?
go ahead, Holeass. What do you want to ask?
Holeass: Sir,
those ten years during which the Province’s expenditures increased by 66 per
cent…
those ten years during which the Province’s expenditures increased by 66 per
cent…
A-G: Yes, yes, go on…
Holeass: Weren’t you the Deputy Minister of Finance for
8 for of those 10 years? Why didn’t you
speak up then?
8 for of those 10 years? Why didn’t you
speak up then?
A-G: Holeass! If you keep this up you are not
coming to my little celebration; I promised you
we would sing more nursery
rhymes!
coming to my little celebration; I promised you
we would sing more nursery
rhymes!
Holeass: (Obviously
ignoring the A-G’s reply) Sir, I have one more question.
ignoring the A-G’s reply) Sir, I have one more question.
A-G: Now that’s enough, I won’t have my very own Holeass
interfering with these very, very
quiet, very, very demure, very, very fine
Reporters.
interfering with these very, very
quiet, very, very demure, very, very fine
Reporters.
Some Reporter: That’s OK, your Honour, Mr. Auditor General
of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador, let him ask one more itty bitty
question ‘cause we don’t
have any ourselves.
of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador, let him ask one more itty bitty
question ‘cause we don’t
have any ourselves.
A-G: (clearly
uncomfortable). For the love of god, Holeass, ask the bloody question.
uncomfortable). For the love of god, Holeass, ask the bloody question.
Holeass: Sir, if you think the deficit is bad now, how
come, for all those years, you also supported
Muskrat Falls?
come, for all those years, you also supported
Muskrat Falls?
A-G: (Looking
pompously dignified…is attempting no response….)
pompously dignified…is attempting no response….)
Some
Reporter: This Holeass is pretty sharp. Aren’t they questions we should be asking?
Reporter: This Holeass is pretty sharp. Aren’t they questions we should be asking?
Des
To think such great prose as this could only be the fiction of a great Bard – yet, it rings with insight and message to all who would listen.
Hark! I hear the gavel fall!
"Silence, silence the lout"
Oh, to be a fly on the walls of Ye old Cabinet room!
The Premier would do to take heed from Shakespeare, when this mega project, Muskrat Falls, fails it will be of monolithic proportions to Newfoundlanders.
"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions". Hamlet
A message to you, Madame Premier, "To your own self be true." Hamlet