June 1, 2012: Premier Kathy
Dunderdale announced, today, the appointment of a new Auditor General for the
Province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
Fairy Tale A-G
preening in front of the mirror, is getting ready for his first Press Conference).
is the most courageous one of all?
my dear A-G, you are the most courageous one of all;
A-G: You are
just trying to get my goat aren’t you, Holeass? Of course, I am the most
my! How could it be otherwise? And, I am smart and handsome.
have spent all that money and
got us all into such a financial mess? I wonder? I must
warn the peoples!
Yes. That’s what I’ll do. I am the Auditor General
of the Province of
this very day: I shall
the media and warn them of all the bad things the Government is doing.
are you so silent? Holeass. Do you not believe
feel soooo good, I haven’t felt this good in years! Oh My! All that time wasted,
Kennedy and Marshall. They did not deserve one so courageous. Isn’t
it wonderful being
(The A-G is now aware of Holeass’
Holeass, you give me such support. It’s
nice to feel so comfy and cozy…do sit
here, Holeass; did you say, let’s do some
Shakespeare? My, my, how I love
Most little senior public
servants don’t do Shakespeare, you know.
It’s a tragedy, really…all
they want to talk about is money, money,
money! You know, the politicians, too. Filthy
stuff, if they were lucky, like
me, they could be having so much fun! Oh, Holeass, please,
let’s do Shakespeare
later….I want to sing, now. I have sooo
much to sing about. I’m so
Holeass, sing with me.
together and dance and sing:
am the A-G
am the A-G
am the A-G.
Holeass, this is so much fun. Let’s try
another verse, shall we?
tenure is ten years
tenure is ten years
tenure is ten years.
you are not nearly the tenor, today, that you normally are; are you tired from
all this celebration? You must expel the
sounds more vigorously, I just know you can do it! Let’s do one more verse and please, do give
it you’re all. It’s not every day one
gets another chance to make a new first impression, is it? Let’s try this one:
can’t fire me now
can’t fire me now
can’t fire me now!
was so wonderful, Holeass. That’s enough
fun for now. I have to get ready for my
Press Conference. Afterall, I’m giving my
very first A-G’s Report. I am so excited. I must
look my best. And, please do attend the Press Briefing. Oh, yes, do try and think of some
Shakespearean thingies to say. We must
impress the little Reporters. I may even
attempt something myself.
II: In Which A Tragedy is Revealed
about to begin:
Gallery Head: All rise for the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
Gallery Head: Ladies and Gentlemen, let
me introduce to you the Auditor General of the Province of Newfoundland and
addresses members of the media).
Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
evil that men do lives after them;
good is oft interred with their bones;
let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
told you Caesar was ambitious…
Yes, yes, my friends of the
media, that was a little Shakespeare I selected just for this
most noble of
occasions; yes, you are quite right, I did hear a couple of you note that it
was a little of Anthony’s Eulogy to Julius Caesar. My, my, you are all fine, clever
Reporters. I thought I might wax a little more poetic
than some of my forebears; bring,
perhaps, as I might, a little more dignity to
the Office. I am, you know, the Auditor
General of the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. I have tenure.
Let me tell you, my Reporter friends, I plan to be courageous;
I will tell the peoples
everything thing that is going on in the government, I
will expose every little tidbit of
falsehood and arrant expenditure; I am, after
all the Auditor General of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador. I have ‘de
tenure, you know’, as Jean Chretien would say.
are simply not sustainable.
Holeass, you are not a member of
the media, you must be careful what you say to these
Reporter people. I am so
sorry, my friends. So much wind is my Holeass.
now.) Ladies and
Gentlemen, you know our per capita spending is 50 per
cent higher than even the
Canadian average. It is a tragedy, I
say, a tragedy of Greek
proportion. The Government has increased expenditures
by 66 percent in just ten years!
could they possibly have done that? It offends me so much, yes, yes, my convenient…
mean my considerable sense of fiscal prudence! I ask, again, my friends: Why didn’t
someone notice? Why wasn’t someone on guard? Pray, I beseech you, I do not
that I loved Newfoundland and Labrador less,
but that I loved myself more.
knock it off! This is my big day. We can do the tragedy stuff, later. Right now, the
peoples are only in danger,
the tragedy…it is still…er…unfolding. I
know. For, I am the
Auditor General of
the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador. And, I have tenure.
the brain, it has become
the facial cream of choice. Some call it ‘Oil of Hibernia’. Yes, some think that they have
even put it in
the wine. I tell you, it has to
stop. I am the Auditor General of the
of Newfoundland and Labrador. I
know. For I have tenure.
III: In Which A Second Tragedy is Revealed
the A-G asks if there any questions)
his hand.) Holeass, you are not a member
of the media, for
General of the Province of Newfoundland and
Reporter: Labrador, we don’t mind if Holeass
has a question or two because we never have many
go ahead, Holeass. What do you want to ask?
those ten years during which the Province’s expenditures increased by 66 per
8 for of those 10 years? Why didn’t you
speak up then?
coming to my little celebration; I promised you
we would sing more nursery
ignoring the A-G’s reply) Sir, I have one more question.
interfering with these very, very
quiet, very, very demure, very, very fine
of the Province of
Newfoundland and Labrador, let him ask one more itty bitty
question ‘cause we don’t
have any ourselves.
uncomfortable). For the love of god, Holeass, ask the bloody question.
come, for all those years, you also supported
pompously dignified…is attempting no response….)
Reporter: This Holeass is pretty sharp. Aren’t they questions we should be asking?
To think such great prose as this could only be the fiction of a great Bard – yet, it rings with insight and message to all who would listen.
Hark! I hear the gavel fall!
"Silence, silence the lout"
Oh, to be a fly on the walls of Ye old Cabinet room!
The Premier would do to take heed from Shakespeare, when this mega project, Muskrat Falls, fails it will be of monolithic proportions to Newfoundlanders.
"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions". Hamlet
A message to you, Madame Premier, "To your own self be true." Hamlet